


crashing

by barrowman_angel



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-18 14:15:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9388829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barrowman_angel/pseuds/barrowman_angel
Summary: Serena has admitted to bernie that she loves her but bernie doesn't take the news too well and her whole world comes crashing down around her





	1. Chapter 1

Serena spent most of the morning trying to decide when to tell her best friend and colleague that she was in love with her, hoping that she would feel the same. should she do it over a coffee in their lunch break, in Albies after work or take her out for a meal? then she thought the best thing to do was just to do it quickly or she would bottle out altogether. Coffee in pluses it was then she thought as she saw bernie from a distance and smiled.

Bernie joined Serena in their office five minutes later with a big pile of paperwork.

"hope thats not mine" Serena laughed

"this lot is" said Bernie as she placed a pile of eight files down on her desk

"oh goodie you know how much i love paperwork" said Serena sarcastically "just put them down over there i will do them later, how do you fancy coming for a coffee at pulses?"

"That sounds like a great idea after the morning we've had we're due a break" Bernie replied

They made their way out of the office and down to the cafe at the front of holby Serena ordered them a coffee each and they both sat down

"Bernie you know how we have become such great friends over the past months since you came to work on AAU" Said Serena

"yeah we've become the ultimate partnership" Bernie Replied

Serena sat there for a moment wondering how to phrase the next bit so as not to sound stupid

"yes we have but i think it's more than that and i think you feel it too" said Serena with a big smile

"how do you mean?" Bernie asked with panic in her voice

"I really like you well mmore than like you" Serena stuttered "i love you" Serena put her hand on top of Bernie's hoping that at any moment she was going to say the same thing

Bernie sat there with panic in her eyes wondering what Serena had just pulled her hand away, her mind was telling her she's not good enough for Serena not worthy of her love, nobody wants you, your past it. she looked at Serena for a moment, a single tear fell down her cheek

"no you can't , i can't" Bernie shouted as she ran off out of the hospital

Serena sat there in shock and for a moment wondering what that was all about, she didn't expect that reaction. She wondered whether she should go after her or just leave it for a bit, no a bit of time on her own would do her good she thought. so she decided to go back to the ward and do some of that paperwork. she met fletch on the stairs on the way back up.

"Hi fletch i'm just going back to my office to do some paperwork if you see Bernie can you send her to me" said Serena

"i thought she was with you?" Fletch asked

"she was till i said something and she ran off" Serena replied

" you didn't finally tell her you love her did you?" asked Fletch with a big grin on his face

"how do you know?" said Serena looking puzzled

"it's not hard to work out i've seen how you are with her" said Fletch

oh no Serena thought i bet i'm the talk of the hospital

"well if you see her tell her i want to talk" Serena said

Fletch looked out the window

"will do, then again isn't that her over there" said Fletch pointing to a small bush Bernie was sitting behind

"what is she doing?" asked Serena

"can't tell from this angle but you better get down there and find out" Flech replied as he left

Bernie just ran out the hospital, where she was going she didn't know she just kept running. her mind was going at 100 miles an hour, she couldn't process what Serena had just said. it was all a mistake surely, how could anyone love her after what she's been through. then all of a sudden she tripped on the curb and ended up face first in some damp grass. she sat up quickly shaking and ducked behind a small bush next to her. she looked there was a hole in the trousers she was wearing her leg was bleeding, not that she was taking much notice of it. she sat there for a few moments thoughts going through her mind. she started crying and just sat there absent minded before she saw Serena standing in front of her.

Serena came running down the stairs and out the main doors she ran into Jac along the way

"isn't that your girlfriend over there?" jac asked pointing to bernie who was sitting on the damp grass

"does everyone know that i love bernie?" Serena asked jac

"you couldn't make it more obvious if you tried" Jac laughed "go and pick her up she's making the place look untidy"

"Bernie Bernie" Serena shouted but Bernie either didn't hear or wasn't listening "Berenice Wolfe what are you doing down here?"

Bernie was now scratching at the gash on her leg not even paying attention she was still crying

"was it something i said that made you run?" asked Serena

Bernie still sat there like she hadn't heard, Serena noticed she was crying

"Bernie whats wrong?" Serena asked she bent down to Bernie's level and looked at her "whats happened here your bleeding" serena noticed the big gash in her leg she also noticed that bernie was scratching it making it worse and getting blood all over her hands "bernie we have to get you inside" said Serena as she went to help bernie up

Bernie Flinched and moved over a bit "come on its only me Serena lets get you inside so i can take a look at your leg" Serena suggested

Bernie looked up at Serena but she still looked like she was still zoned out. Serena knew there was something seriously wrong but couldn't work out what she helped bernie to her feet and supported her her as she hobbled back to the hospital


	2. Chapter 2

she helped Bernie to the main entrance and found a wheelchair. which was a relief for Serena as much as it was for Bernie, Bernie is much bigger than Serena and it was getting hard to keep holding her upright. Serena wheeled her into AAU, Bernie just sat there trying not to show she wasn't crying and staring into the distance.

"Fletch any side rooms free?" Serena asked

"what the hells happened here?" asked fletch

"i have no idea i found her like this she needs her leg seeing to" Serena replied

"there's one over there free" said Fletch as he pointed at one to his right

Serena wheeled Bernie into the side room and shut the door

"well we have to get you on the bed and have a look at your leg" said Serena to Bernie as she tried to help her onto the bed. Bernie jumped when Serena put her hand on her shoulder. Serena not really knowing what to do left the room.

"Fletch Bernie's acting really strange" said Serena

"like what?" Fletch asked "then again i did see Bernie acting a little odd at the beginning of the week

"odd like how?" Serena asked Fletch

"she was jumping at random sounds and at one point she tried to hide it but i could tell she had been crying" Fletch replied "i thought it was just the stress of this place"

"since when did anything affect the great major Wolfe" said Serena

"you have a point there maybe it's built up it can happen" Fletch said

Morven and Raf came over to see what was going on

"i'll leave you to fill them in i have to get back" said Serena as she left to go back and help Bernie

Serena walked back into the side bay to see a small pool of blood, she knelt down in front of Bernie

"what have you done to yourself?" Serena asked "love don't do that you'll make it worse" she noted as bernie stuck her finger into her leg wound making it bleed a bit more "come on you have to let me take a look at it"

Bernie mouthed the words sorry and hopped onto the bed

"what have you go to be sorry about?" Serena asked Puzzled

Bernie just sat there in silence before bursting into tears. Serena put a loose dressing over her wound to stop it bleeding and sat down next to her on the bed. Serena put her arm around bernie's shoulders and pulled her in for a hug

"now whats all this about?" asked Serena not that she thought Bernie would tell her anyway

Bernie sat there crying she really wasn't one to show her emotions like this and didn't know what to say, to be honest she really didn't know what was going on. she just continued to cry into Serena's shoulder. Serena had never seen Bernie like this before and just rubbed her back giving her some little comfort. Bernie started to settle down after a little while and Serena decided it might be the best time to go get some bits to sort out Bernie's leg.

Bernie noticed that Serena was about to get up and she panicked, tears began to fall again and her lungs were filling with air she she couldn't let out. she was terrified. Serena noticed Bernie was having a panic attack

"Bernie look at me you've got to breath let it out" Serena urged Bernie "Breath in and out do it with me" after a minute Bernie's breathing was returning to normal

"I thought you was gonna leave me hurt me like everyone else has" said Bernie in a scared voice

"well i'm not them i will always be here for you" said serena "i'm just going over there to get some stuff you need for your leg it needs seeing to before it gets infected you can watch me i'm not leaving"

Bernie watched Serena as she gathered a few things she needed and sat back on the bed Bernie swung round and laid down on the bed. Serena set about cleaning Bernie's wound.

"this looks deeper than i first thought i'm gonna have to put a few stitches in" said Serena as she took a closer look at the cut

Bernie yelped a little

"does that hurt?" Serena asked

"no no its alright i like the pain it helps" Bernie Replied as she turned away from Serena, not wanting to make eye contact with her. not wanting Serena to think she was weak. She felt ashamed that anyone knew about this, she was always good at hiding it but today she just had enough she couldn't take it no more.

Serena started stitching the wound thinking about what Bernie has just said i like pain it helps, what could she have meant by that. then it hit her, she remembered seeing bernie making her wound worse. she decided to ask her out right

"Bernie you don't hurt yourself on purpose sometimes do you?" Serena asked

Bernie started crying again she nodded

"how long have you been suffering with this alone? you know you can talk to me" said Serena as she put a bandage on Bernie's leg and sat next to her

"i don't know" she sobbed weeks months she didn't really know things were starting to blur into one "i had a few flashbacks" Bernie cried some more and pulled Serena closer

Serena stayed there awhile long while Bernie cried it out exhausted she finally fell asleep and Serena left the room

"so what's going on?" Raf asked as morven and Fletch looked on

"well she's got some big problems that's not going to go away overnight so we will just leave her to sleep till my shift finishes in about 2hrs and then i will take her home" Serena explained "looks like she's been suffering with this a while no wonder she always cames to work tired i should have seen it, today she just completely gave up and had a meltdown"


	3. Chapter 3

Serena's shift on AAU finished without any problems and she went to check on Bernie, who was sat up in bed when she came into the room

"What you said earlier?" Bernie asked "did you mean it?"

"let's go home and we can talk about it there" said Serena as she helped Bernie into a wheelchair, she looked a little bit calmer and happy compared to a few hours ago. Serena would rather discuss her private life away from the hospital if that was at all possible these days. everyone seem to know everyone's business in this hospital.

Bernie looked absent mindly out the window as Serena drove them back to her place.

"Jason is away for a few days so we have the house to ourselves" said Serena as she pulled into the driveway, she helped Bernie out of the car and indoors to sit on the sofa. she thought about opening a bottle of wine but then thought that might be a bad idea, at least until they had talked things over.

Bernie sat there thinking maybe Serena does want me, maybe we can be happy together. but there was a thought at the back of her mind somewhere telling her otherwise. she doesn't really love you no one does, she will only hurt you like everyone else has done. you're kids Marcus even Alex left you. she tried to ignore the thoughts and push them to the back of her mind. really she did want this, she wanted this more than anything else in the world right now. she sat there on the edge of the sofa, she was really nervous wondering what Serena had to say. maybe she should have stayed in the cafe instead of running off, but her mind had other ideas and she couldn't help it. Serena sat down next to her and held her hand, it was nice and warm it gave Bernie a bit of comfort .

"Bernie what i wanted to say was i love you more than anything, anyone i've ever loved before. it really feels different this time and i couldn't carry on without at least just telling you this. if you wanted to leave now i would fully understand" Serena explained

Bernie sat there for a moment wondering what to say, in the back of her mind she wanted nothing more than to run away again leave this place so no one else could hurt her ever again. but in all reality she know that Serena would never do that to her. she thought for a second and plucked up the courage to say something.

"i love you too Serena or at least i want to but it's hard " Bernie explained

"i know but i will be here to help you with all that we can get through this" Serena Replied

Bernie laid her head on Serena's chest, Serena pulled Bernie in closer and put her arms around her

"i will always be here to help you through all your problems, the ups and downs. we can face them together" Serena explained

Bernie looked up at Serena giving her eye contact for the first time since she entered the house. she never really noticed how beautiful Serena's eyes were until that moment. She sat there lost in them a small smile came across her face.

Serena felt so good in that moment, it's the first time someone had really trusted her like this. trusted her enough to want her help. ok she had helped people at work that was her job, but somehow this felt different. The woman she really loved was sat here next to her in pieces and she wanted to try and help her put them back together.

Bernie took the next big step and kissed Serena on the lips. her mind was racing at 100 miles an hour. this felt the best thing ever right now. slow and passionate. in that one moment she felt all her worries slip away like nothing else mattered. this was a big step but one she was willing to take.

"no matter what happens don't leave me" Bernie pleaded

"i will be with you always" replied Serena

Bernie turned round and laid down on the sofa putting her head on Serena's chest. she was too tired to get up emotionally and physically drained. she laid there listening to Serena's heartbeat before drifting off to sleep. Serena laid there for a while stroking bernie's hair. Before she too nodded off for a bit.

Serena abruptly woke to the sound of Bernie screaming and clinging onto her quite tightly. Bernie is quite a bit heavier than Serena and she felt like Bernie was about to break some of her ribs. it took all her strength to pull her off. She quickly stood up and wondered what could have made her friend scream like that, what must she have been dreaming about. Serena knelt down to comfort her, Bernie suddenly sat up her breathing heavy. with the look of panic in her eyes.

"it's alright i'm here" said Serena as put her arms around Bernie

"they were coming for me, i couldn't escape" Bernie sobbed

"it's ok you don't need to tell me if you don't want to, it's just a nightmare they can't hurt you" said Serena trying to reassure Bernie

Again Bernie felt like she couldn't breath and her head was spinning, it was as if her lungs weren't her own anymore and she couldn't control them,

"Bernie breath like i showed you earlier, take a deep breath in and out" Said Serena as she tried to help her eventually her breathing started to return to normal.

Serena held bernie in her arms and rocked her for a bit. finally after a while Bernie calmed down. Serena wondered what the time was, she looked at the clock on the wall opposite her which said just after 7pm.

"time for some food i think" Serena suggested to Bernie

Bernie just sat there rocking back and forth like a frightened child.

she needed to get Bernie some proper help, she couldn't do this alone it was too exhausting. but that was for tomorrow she thought for now they needed some food.


	4. Chapter 4

Serena got up to see what they could have for dinner, some food would make them both feel better. she looked in her fridge but remembered what she said this morning before she left, that she needed to go shopping and there was nothing in the fridge to eat.

"bugger i've forgotten to go shopping how about a takeaway?" Serena asked Bernie

"sounds good" said Bernie in an exhausted tone, she really didn't have the energy to care what it was food was food. not that she was really hungry just tired.

"how about pizza?" Serena asked

"ham and pineapple" Bernie replied that was always her favourite toppings

"who the hell has pineapple on a pizza?" asked Serena

"me we always had it when we was away" Bernie replied she stared into the distance for a moment "then again i'm not really hungry"

"you've got to eat something" Serena said looking worried she decided it would be safer just to order what Bernie liked, at least there would be a chance of her eating it.

Serena phoned her order through so it would be delivered, safest option then to leave bernie on her own. not after the day shes had.

Bernie sat there for a moment and thought. if she's willing to order a pizza just because i like it even though she doesn't she must really love me. she smiled

Serena had decided to be lazy and just eat the pizza from the box save on washing up. she wasn't really keen on ham and pineapple but she still ate to just to please Bernie. she would do anything for her just to see she's ok.

after dinner they sat down in the living room, Bernie put her head on Serena's shoulder. Serena plucked up the courage to ask Bernie a few questions.

"How how long have you been having these nightmares?" Serena asked Bernie

at first bernie didn't want to answer that, she wasn't good at talking about her feelings. but she trusted Serena enough to open up a bit

"i suppose not long after i was blown up" Bernie admitted

"that was months ago," said Serena looking surprised "you should have told me i could have helped"

"that's my problem i've always been good at hiding my true feelings" said Bernie

"but you don't have to i'm your friend and friends tell each other everything" Serena replied

"i'm not too good at opening up letting people know how i feel" sobbed Bernie

"well i'm here for you now, we will get through this together" said Serena as she held Bernie's hand

"i'm tired, tired all the time. tired of this, i've just given up i don't care anymore" Bernie cried

"you're not alone i will help you" Serena replied "now how about a nice hot bath, how does that sound"

"that sounds just right" said Bernie who was now feeling a little chilly

Serena went upstairs to start a bath and leave some towels on the heated towel rail.

Bernie was still sat downstairs thinking how this was so perfect that she wanted nothing to go wrong at all. dont mess this up she thought you have everything you want don't do anything stupid. she smiled

Serena came downstairs Bernie was just about to get up but with her leg wound she was still finding it hard to walk. Serena held onto her arm to give her some support and help her up the stairs. She sat Bernie on the loo and helped her take her bandage off.

"i'll have to redress that afterwards but for now you give it a good clean" said Serena

Bernie sat there for a moment then froze, she had just remembered the scars. she didn't want Serena to see them, she sat there with panic in her eyes.

"whats wrong?" Serena asked

"i don't want you to see me naked" replied Bernie

"it's nothing i haven't seen before" Serena joked "don't worry i've seen your scar before"

yes she had seen the one from the operation not long after she came to holby, but not the others not the comfort scars. the ones she made to make herself feel better.

"you've seen that scar but what about the others" Bernie said sheepishly

Serena looked alarmed for a moment she haven't thought there might be more. but then she thought i don't care what she's done i will love her just the same. she loved Bernie so much she could see past it

Serena then helped Bernie out of her scrub top, to reveal a dozen or two scars all different sizes and in different stages of healing. Serena stared for a moment, not because of the amount of scars there were but for the sheer beauty that sat in front of her. She was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen in her life. if she'd have known she looked this beautiful she would have told how she felt long before today.

"see even you don't like me i'm horrible" Bernie sobbed

"no no i was admiring how beautiful you look" Serena replied

"really?" Bernie asked

"really" said Serena with a smile

she knelt down to kiss Bernie on the back. Bernie shivered she'd never felt anything like it before, it was the best feeling in the world and she never wanted it to end. she stood up and took the last of her clothes off, she stepped into the bath and sat down. Serena proceed to scrub her back and help her with her hair. Bernie reached out and gave Serena a long kiss on the lips

"thank you" Bernie smiled

"what for?" Serena asked

"for not judging me" replied Bernie "Marcus used to call me dirty and couldn't stand to look at me, so i never got undressed when he was around you're the first person i've shown these to"

"i'd never do that not to the woman i loved" said Serena

That's the bit Bernie couldn't quite grasp that after alex there was still someone out there who loved her.

Serena helped bernie out the bath and redressed her leg, now Bernie was only wearing knickers and a vest.

"would you like to borrow some PJ's" Serena asked Bernie "you look a bit cold"

"no i'm fine i prefer not to sleep in too much" Bernie replied "shall i sleep on the sofa?"

"i have a better idea" Serena smiled as she opened her bedroom door and gestured bernie to get on the bed with her "come and sleep with me" She'd never slept in the same bed as a woman before, but for some reason this just felt so right.

Bernie Smiled "well if you're sure" said Bernie

"very sure" said Serena who was now changing into some PJ's

she slipped into bed, Bernie stood there for a moment looking a little nervous. this wasn't the first time she'd been with a woman but she loved Serena more than anything and didn't want to rush into anything.

"just get in" serena demanded as she pulled the covers over, Bernie quickly jumped in and put her arms around Serena she hugged her tight. taking in her wonderful smell, she felt like she never wanted to let go and gave her a kiss.

"i love you Serena" said Bernie with a big grin on her face

"i love you too" Serena smiled as they both nodded off


	5. Chapter 5

Serena woke early the next day to find herself intertwined in Bernie. it felt like she was holding on for dear life. she thought for a moment she better phone work and tell them they won't be in today, then after today they would have the whole to weekend to workout what to do before having to go back to work. she realised there was no way Bernie was going to let go without waking up and Serena didn't want to disturb her. she looked so peaceful just lying there. Serena couldn't believe that she had finally admitted her feelings to Bernie. she laid there watching Bernie, she noticed how beautiful she looked when she slept. so perfect like she didn't have a care in the world. she just wanted to lie here forever and not get up. but she knew they would have to get up sometime. but all she wanted to for now was to lay here and just forget the world, forget all their troubles and deal with them later.

Serena laid there for about 5 minutes with Bernie wrapped tightly in her arms. She looked over to the clock on the bedside table it was just after 8am. Serena thought it might be about time to get up, when all of a sudden there was a loud bang that came from somewhere in the street outside. Bernie jumped and woke up suddenly, her eyes wide with panic. Serena quickly sat up and put her arms around Bernie trying to reassure her.

"it's only a car backfiring outside" said Serena

Bernie Flinched and jumped off the bed, she lent against the wall sobbing.

"Bernie it's ok it's me Serena i'm here" said Serena as she slowly made her way over to Bernie

Bernie looked at Serena and held her arms out, she looked like a frightened lost child. Serena moved over to bernie and put her arms around her. Bernie held on tight. She sat Bernie down on the bed. She was crying like a baby. all Serena could do was rock her to and throw in the hope of calming her down. After what seemed like ages Bernie started calming down, her cries turned to a small sob.

"i'm sorry" Bernie sobbed

"you don't have to be sorry it's not your fault" said Serena as she looked down at Bernie

"i can't seem to switch off, no matter how hard i try" said Bernie with panic in her voice

"i know but it will be fine i promise" said Serena, Serena didn't know if that was totally true right now. she just said it to make Bernie feel better. where they went for here she wasn't sure. Bernie needed some Professional help and somehow Serena was going to help her get it.

"i've just got to make a phone call, tell work we won't be in today" Serena explained

She dialed the number and waited for an answer at the other end but no one was there.

"bugger hansen's not in his office, typical of him never there when you need him" Serena cursed "i know what i'll phone AAU they can tell him" she redialed and waited

"hello AAU" said the voice at the other end

"oh morven thank god its you, i tried phoning hansen but he's not answering, just letting you know me and Bernie won't be in today" Serena explained

"is Bernie alright?" Morven asked

"not really but she will be given time she will be" replied Serena

"well keep us updated" said Morven

"will do i'll let you know after the weekend" said Serena putting the phone down

"time for some breakfast" said Serena to Bernie

"but you don't have anything in" said Bernie in a low husky voice

"i think i have some bread we can at least have some toast then i will make a trip to the supermarket" Serena replied

Bernie and Serena went to make their way downstairs.

"it's a bit cold to be walking around in just that" said Serena looking at Bernie who was only wearing a vest and knickers

"oh i hadn't noticed" Bernie replied looking down at what she was wearing

"here put this on" Serena said passing Bernie a big warm dressing gown

Bernie put it on, she liked the way it was nice big and fluffy and the way it smelt of Serena, she'd always loved her scent

They went downstairs into the kitchen Bernie sat at the kitchen table and watched as Serena opened the bread bin and put some bread in the toaster

"do you want a Coffee?" Serena asked Bernie

"you read my mind" Bernie replied She definitely needed something hot and strong to wake her up properly she still felt like she was half asleep, her eyes red and puffy from all that crying.

"oh we only seem to have marmalade or marmite to go on the toast" said Serena "Jason seems to have used up all the jam, he likes more jam than bread most of the time" she laughed

"who the hell puts marmite on their toast?" ask Bernie who looked a bit alarmed

"i do thank you very much" Serena replied

"well i will just stick with marmalade if it's all the same to you" said Bernie "you have weird tastes"

"Oh so i'm weird now am i?" Serena asked

"no but your taste buds certainly are" Bernie laughed

Serena put some coffee into the coffee machine and waited then poured it out into two cups, she gave one to Bernie. they sat there eating their toast in silence for a few minutes.

"you know i'm always there to listen if you ever want to talk about anything" Serena said to Bernie as she put her hand on Bernie's

"i know you've been good to me a real friend, no one has ever been this kind to me before" Bernie explained she smiled and kissed Serena's hand. Serena smiled back finished her toast took another big gulp from her mug and got up.

"i better go shopping, will you be alright here on your own?" Serena asked

"yes i think so" replied Bernie "i might lay down on the sofa for a bit and have a nap"

Serena went upstairs and got dressed by the time she came downstairs Bernie was asleep on the sofa, she kissed her on the head put her coat on and headed out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

Serena drove to the local supermarket, which was only 5 minutes away. all she could think about was the hurt and pain Bernie was going through and why she didn't tell her soon she could have helped. but there was no point in dwelling on the past and the things that could have been, but focus on the here and now. getting the shopping and getting back to Bernie. she wasn't sure she should have left Bernie on her own but she had no other option. she had no food in the house they couldn't starve, yet Bernie wouldn't step foot outside the house. right now every loud noise seem to scare her and she couldn't bare seeing the woman she loved in so much pain. she got out the car and grabbed a trolley. she thought she better not be out too long she didn't want Bernie waking up to find she wasn't there. she ran into the store and starting putting things into the trolley at record speed. she was just bunging things in the trolley that would make a great meal or the odd treat she thought Bernie might like. Just then she receved a text from Jason to say he was staying at his friends for the weekend Serena text back have fun see you on monday. she put a couple of bottles of shiraz in the trolley and headed for the self service till. she paid for the shopping and left the store.

Bernie had not long been asleep when something woke her up she jumped. she sat up and looked around. she couldn't quite place where she was for a moment and started to panic. then she remembered she was staying with Serena for the weekend. get a grip Wolfe she thought you'll go mad. Serena will definitely won't want you if you carry on like this. she went to the kitchen for a drink of water. that made her feel a lot better. she sat at the kitchen table deep in thought, when all of a sudden she had a flashback. she was back in afghanistan just after that IED exploded and she was thrown into a poppy field. the pain she felt and the feeling that no one was going to find her she was laying there for over half an hour before any got to her, she thought she was a gonner. The flashback felt so real the pain she was in the hot sun beating down on her and the panic she felt not knowing if she was gonna be rescued or not. she took a sip of her water trying her hardest to forget it put it out of her mind, but it wasn't that simple. she started sweating and panicking. she yelled for Serena but there was no answer one around. she got up and went into the kitchen. she looked around and picked up a small knife Serena had left on the side when cooking the breakfast earlier. she really didn't know what she was doing. it was like her mind was doing it for her and she had no control.

Serena loaded the car up and drove home she was hoping that bernie was still sleep and that everything was ok. she parked in the drive way and grabbed all the shopping. she walked through the front door, she could see that Bernie wasn't on the sofa.

"Bernie i'm back" Serena yelled but there was no response Serena began to panic thinking all sorts. she ran into the kitchen to put all the shopping on the table. she looked over, Bernie was sat on the floor crying. she went over to comfort her. it was only then she realised that Bernie was bleeding.

"Bernie what have you done?" Serena asked

Bernie didn't say anything she just sat there staring into space. Serena noticed that Bernie had cut her arm and hand. Serena grabbed a tea towel and went to put it round her arm. Bernie pulled her arm back.

"leave me alone" Bernie cried

Serena sat down next to her

"i thought they was never going to find me, i laid out there for what felt like hours" Bernie cried

Serena realise that Bernie had, had another flashback she thought for a moment. i can't leave her here not like this not anymore she needs help sooner rather than later.

"don't worry Bernie i'm here for you, we'll get through this together".

Bernie looked at Serena

"what have i done" she weeped

Serena quickly covered Bernie's cuts, Bernie panicked

"i didn't know i was doing it, i can't control my own mind anymore" said Bernie "please Serena help me i don't know whats happening anymore" said Bernie with a pleading look in her eye.

"i'm here to help" said Serena as she held Bernie in her arms "firstly i have to call for help you've lost a lot of blood"

"no don't i don't want anyone else seeing me like this" Bernie pleaded

"it's ok they can help you and i will be with you all the way" Serena explained trying to comfort Bernie

She took out her mobile and dialed for an ambulance

"i have to get up Bernie let go of me" said Serena as she tried to pull Bernie off her. she got up and let the paramedics into the house. "don't worry Bernie i will always be here i'll come with you" said Serena trying to reassure Bernie. she hadn't noticed that she was covered in Bernie's blood.

"they managed to stop the bleeding and stuck temporary bandages on the cuts, then Serena helped Bernie onto the stretcher. Serena was telling the Paramedics what had been going on. Bernie held onto Serena's hand tightly as they took her to hospital.


	7. Chapter 7

When they got to the hospital they found that A&E was full so they took Bernie to AAU instead

"Serena what are you doing here, i thought you wasn't coming in today?" Raf asked "and what the hells happened?" Raf saw all the blood on Serena's shirt

"it's not a work call" Serena Replied

"i gathered that" said Raf "why the hell are you covered in blood or shouldn't i ask?"

"it's Bernie" Serena Replied with a sad look in her eye

"whats she done this time?" Raf asked

"she cut herself, on purpose i think" Serena replied

"i thought you was going to get her some help?" asked Raf

"yes i was but it's only been less than 24hrs and i only left her asleep to go shopping, then we was gonna make a plan of action get her the help she needed. but i think this is far worse than i first thought." Serena explained "it's all escalated too quickly"

"well shes in the best place now" Raf replied "pop into the staff room and change your top you can't go round with blood down you" Raf said pointing at the blood stained shirt she was wearing

Serena hadn't even realised she was covered in blood, she was too worried about Bernie. she went into the locker room to get the spare shirt she always kept in her locker. she walked into the locker room.

"Ahhh bloody hell morven you scared the hell out of me" Said Serena looking a bit startled

"sorry didn't mean to scare you, thought you wasn't coming in today?" Moven asked

"i wasn't but we had to make an unexpected stop" Serena Replied

"whats going on?" Moven asked as she spotted the blood on Serena's shirt

"Bernie seems to have lost it" Serena explained

"i thought you was helping her?" Morven asked

"i thought i was but i can't do it alone" replied Serena as she changed her shirt

"it's worse than i first thought and she needs proper help" said Serena

"it's going to be alright we'll all be there for Bernie" Morven said as she gave Serena a hug

"i better get back to Bernie she'll be wondering where i've got to" said Serena "and thanks for your support means a lot" she gave Morven a small smile as she left the locker room.

she went back to the side room where Bernie was. she was just laying there not saying anything. Fletch was busy cleaning and stitching her arm and hand. Serena came round the other side and sat next to Bernie. She held her hand. Bernie Smiled.

"thanks for being there for me" Bernie smiled

"it's ok i'll always be there for you, you know that" said Serena as

she stroked Bernie's hair

"i'm sorry" said Bernie

"sorry for? what stop apologizing, it'll be the death of you" Serena laughed

"i'm sorry for dripping bloody all over your nice kitchen floor" said Bernie with an embarrassed look on her face

"is that all there's more important things to worry about then that" laughed Serena "besides i'll go home later and clean it up if that makes you feel better"

Bernie laughed

Fletch finished putting a bandage on Bernie's arm and went to leave the room.

"serena can i have a word with you please?" Fletch asked

"Don't leave me" Bernie pleaded

"i will only be outside i just have to talk to Fletch and i will be right back" Serena explained

"i'll send Morven in she can keep you company for a while" Serena said

"no don't i don't want her to see me like this" said Bernie with panic in her voice

"ok i won't" Serena promised "I won't be long"

"Doesn't look like there's much wrong with her" Said Fletch

Raf came over to join them

"This is a good period, i think she has PTSD and she's left it untreated for so long" explained Serena

"she always was good at hiding her true feelings" said Raf

"well something's got to be done about it" Said Fletch

"i was going to sort that out today but it all got on top of her too quickly it's like she gets frightened and doesn't know she's doing it half the time" Serena explained

"so she didn't know she cut herself?" Fletch asked

"no not until after I found her" said Serena "but she did say sometimes it helps with the pain"

"what pain?" Fletch asked

"Emotional pain she thinks it hurts more than real pain" Serena said "after her accident"

"that would explain it then" said Raf "we should send someone down from phyc to have a chat with her"

"thanks that would be a big help Raf, i don't know what to do anymore i can't bare to see her like this" said Serena as she left

Serena went back into see Bernie she sat by her bedside.

"i hope you don't think i'm going mad" Bernie sobbed

"no not at all and we will get through this together" Said Serena trying to reassure Bernie

"Promise?" Bernie asked

"i promise" Serena replied

Bernie looked so small and frightened laying in that bed. she just wanted her Bernie back fit and well and will do what ever it took to help her. she stroked the top of Bernie's head

"now you get some sleep" said Serena to bernie "you're so tired"

"i can't sleep i'm too scared" Said Bernie

"Scared of what?" Serena asked

"scared of the nightmares and that you're going to leave me because you don't like who i am now" Sobbed Bernie

"i love you no matter what" Said Serena with a faint smile

"are you sure?" Bernie asked

"always" Serena smiled and gave Bernie a kiss on the head


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not sure about this chapter please let me know what is written here makes sense and not a load of rubbish thanks

Serena was sat outside the hospital while someone came to talk to Bernie. it was something Bernie had to do on her own without Serena watching over her. Either that or Serena couldn't bare to be there and listen to all that Bernie had been through. The woman she had thought as a friend. then fallen in love with. she never thought it would be possible her Serena Campbell to fall in love with a woman but she did, and it felt so right. she wondered for a moment what others would think of her at her age, falling in love with a woman. but the way she felt about Bernie she really didn't care what others thought about her. she thought about all the great times they would have together, the times they would lay in bed while she held Bernie in her arms. the walks in the park they would have on crisp Autumn evenings or the summers they would spend on the beach. she was really looking forward to those.  
then she remembered what about Jason, what would he think about all this? ok she didn't care what anyone thought apart from him. he was the closest family she had and he was such a sensitive sole. but that was a conversation to be had on monday when Jason came back. in this moment right here right now all that mattered was Bernie, making sure that she got well again. they had found each other so late on in life and Serena wanted to make the most of the time they had together. she sat there wondering what it would have been like it they had met earlier on in life she would have been so much happier with Bernie than she ever was with Edward. but there was no point in dwelling on the past just think about the future. she wanted to do all she could to help Bernie. she wanted to keep her forever no matter what it took.  
if she knew this was what falling in love with a woman was like she would have left Edward years ago and given up on men or was it just Bernie?, she couldn't really be sure. but would she ever want to find out, because right now she could see herself with Bernie for the rest of her life. being that old couple holding hands sitting on the end of the pier eating fish and chips. She smiled and then thought to herself did Bernie feel the same way?. she had been with women before was this the same or different. she didn't seem last too long with Alex. she was going to try her hardest to show Bernie that she was different and that she wasn't about to leave Bernie when the going go tough. which is certainly what Alex did to Bernie and Edward did to her, even Marcus did it to Bernie. she couldn't bare the though there was people out there that let Bernie down a lot. she couldn't ever imagine her doing that to Bernie, she loved Bernie far too much for the to do that.  
she still couldn't believe that she took so long to tell Bernie the truth. she was just so scared, she didn't know if Bernie felt the same way. that it was really the right thing to do as she'd never fallen in love with a woman before. she wished she could have read her mind that would have told her what she needed to know. but then again if she had she would have helped Bernie with her problems earlier instead of bernie suffering in silence.  
it started to rain she decided it was best to go inside before she caught her death sitting on that cold bench. she moved inside to pulses and bought a coffee to warm up. she sat down at one of the nearby tables, she stared out of the window. there was something soothing about the sound of rain on the windows Serena though as she watched it bucket down outside. she sat there thinking about Bernie for a moment when she was joined by Morven.  
"oh there you are Serena" said Morven as she sat down next to Serena "you're all wet" Morven noticed  
"i did the stupid thing of sitting outside, didn't realise it was raining till i was wet" Serena laughed  
"Anyway how are you?" Morven asked  
"not too bad exhausted though" Serena admitted  
"it's bound to be tough dealing with all this on your own, but please remember i'm here to help as a doctor and a friend" said Morven  
"but you didn't come to ask how i was did you?" Serena pointed out  
"no i didn't" said Morven with a worried look on her face  
"What is it?" Serena asked she was beginning to look worried and panic a bit "it's Bernie what's she done now?"  
"she's just a bit distressed panicky she asking after you she thinks you've left her" Morven explained  
"i love her too much to do that to her" Serena replied  
"i can see you really love her, i tried to calm her down but it didn't help" Morven said  
"i knew i shouldn't have left her" said Serena  
"the counselor said it's going to take a while but she will get better" Morven explained  
"i know i want to be there to help her as well" said Serena "she trusts me or i like to think she does"  
"she does or she wouldn't be calling for you" Morven said  
then Serena realised "so what the bloody hell am i doing still sitting here?" she asked and raced back to AAU.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long got writers block but here it is enjoy

Serena ran back into AAU she could hear Bernie before she saw her. her heart sank, she thought about running away. she couldn't bare to see Bernie like this but she loved her too much to give up on her. she wanted to be there for her.  
she walked into the room. Bernie was sitting in bed crying, She was clearly upset.  
"well we will leave it there for today we can continue this again next week" said the counselor  
"thank you" Bernie sniffed as the counselor left the room Serena went after her  
"hows she doing?" Serena asked the Counselor  
"it's going to take time and a lot of Support but she will get there, she'll have one session a week for four weeks. then we will take it from there" she Explained  
Serena went back into see Bernie, she was still sat up in bed deep in thought.  
"people must think i'm mad" said Bernie with a tear in her eye  
"no they don't" said Serena trying to reassure Bernie but not really helping much Bernie was getting really agitated  
"you get some sleep then in a few hours we can go home" Serena Explained  
"no no i can't sleep i won't" Bernie panicked "don't make me" Bernie Begged  
suddenly Bernie was panicking more than usual and she couldn't catch her breath the world around her was spinning, she was shaking with fear.  
"just breath Bernie it's ok there's nothing to be scared of, like i showed you last time" Serena tried to explain  
Bernie tried to breath properly but it wasn't working it was just making her worse. Serena held her hand and Bernie's Breathing started to return to normal  
"ok just lay back and relax" said Serena  
but Bernie was restless she just laid there fidgeting. after talking with the counselor she couldn't get the image of the accident out of her head, no matter what she tried. she couldn't really see what help talking about it could do. it just brought up stuff she'd rather forget. she was so worried that if she fell asleep she would have to relive the whole thing again and she really couldn't go through that once was enough. she relived it everytime she closed her eyes, she didn't want to but she couldn't help it. now she was thinking about it when she was awake she tried to focus but it didn't help. she really wanted to switch off but it just wasn't that easy. she tried her hardest to calm done and relax but that was just making her feel worse. don't panic Bernie thought you'll make it worse. all she wanted right now was Serena to hug her and say everything was going to be ok.  
"maybe we should think about taking you home, help you relax a bit more" Serena suggested  
Bernie thought about it for a moment. she realised that would be a great idea just her and Serena on their own. she hated everyone else coming in and out asking her how she was all the time, it was really annoying her.  
Serena left the room to talk to Raf  
"i'm going to take Bernie home" said Serena to Raf  
"do you think that's a good idea?" Raf asked  
"it would help her calm down a bit if it was quieter with less people around her" explained Serena  
"that sounds a good idea" said Morven who was standing nearby  
"see even Morven agrees" said Serena  
"ok you win but if anything happens you come straight back" said Raf  
Morven left to go check on Bernie  
"thanks Raf don't worry i will take better care this time" Serena replied  
"well if you're sure" said Raf  
"Um Ms Campbell you might want to come in here" said Morven as she poked her head around the door  
Serena looked worried and rush back into the side room. Bernie was sitting on the bed rocking back and forth. she looked like she was staring into space, zoned out almost. she had a blank look on her face almost one of fear. Serena noticed that Bernie was scratching her arm quite a lot and realised that she'd pull the stitches out.  
Serena walked over to Bernie and rested her hand on Bernie's shoulder. not that Bernie seem to notice, she didn't even seem to notice that Serena was even standing next to.  
"Bernie, Bernie love it's me Serena" said Serena in a soft but worrying voice "it's ok i'm here"  
Bernie continued to rock like someone who was utterly terrified  
"Bernie" Serena said again  
Bernie jumped and looked up at Serena, Bernie looked so scared like she didn't know what was going on anymore.  
Bernie hadn't realised that Serena had been standing there. how long had she been there. she couldn't tell, it was like she couldn't process anything anymore. there was too much hurt and pain inside and it felt like there was no room for anything else.  
"you're Bleeding" said Serena to Bernie as she looked down at Bernie's arm  
Bernie looked down at her arm but didn't say anything  
"it's alright we'll sort that out" said serena trying to reassure Bernie she wasn't sure that helped but then again she couldn't tell what was going on in Bernie's mind right now. "Morven quick get me some dressings lets get this cleaned up"  
Morven opened and draw near by and gathered up a few dressings before giving them to Serena  
"This might sting a little" said Serena as she started cleaning the wound  
Everything was too numb to hurt Bernie thought as she sat there in silence  
"you will get through this you know and no matter what happens i will always be there for you" Serena said as she finished dressing Bernie's wound  
Bernie just sat there in silence she really didn't have the energy to say anything. Serena finished dressing Bernie's wound. Bernie laid her head on Serena's shoulder. Serena put her arm around Bernie.  
"What you gonna do now?" Morven asked Serena  
"i don't know i really don't know" said Serena with a worrying look


End file.
